Highlights
Ears: The Soft Power of Listening - Part 8 (Episode 45) Six Reasons We Don’t Listen and What to Do About It
Six reasons most of us don’t listen well:
1. We’ve never been taught how.
We are encouraged to listen to our hearts, and listen to our gut, but rarely are we encouraged to listen carefully and with intent to other people. ( Kate Murphy, You’re Not Listening)
Listening well is not an ability we are born with. It doesn’t get magically downloaded to us as we grow up. Unless we’re intentional about learning and practicing this new skill set we’re doomed, most likely, to relationships crippled by a shortage of understanding, empathy and love.
2. We’re always in a hurry.
Love takes time and time is the one thing that hurried people don’t have. (John Ortberg)
3. We’re too easily distracted.
Practice the discipline of silence.
Find appropriate settings for good conversation. Schedule times for private conversations.
4. We’re uncomfortable with certain emotions.
The path to more meaningful conversations may require us to step out of our own emotional comfort zone and accept some risk.
5. We have an agenda.
As soon as you lay your hands on a conversation to steer it, it's not a conversation anymore; it's a pitch. And you're not a human being; you’re a marketing rep. ( The Big Kahuna, quoted by Doug Pollack, God Space)
To the extent that we can, we should leave our agenda at the door of the conversation.
6. We’re overly self-focused.
Our first duty in any conversation is not to talk, but to listen. This is what Christ-like humility demands.
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Don’t imagine that if you ever meet a really humble man he will be what most people call “humble” nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him... He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all. (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)
To surrender the lime-light of the conversation to the other person is not only a profound act of service to them...but, paradoxically, we receive a profoundly important benefit for ourselves too.
The world is full of talkers. We don’t need more talkers, but we do need more listeners.